First thing to realise is that a local pub in a small English village is a vastly different place compared to a pub on the corner of some town’s high street. Yes, there are similarities, because a pub is still a pub. However, there are less bachelorette parties and more mud covered dogs, with their wellie-wearing owners. With the perks of having the time to learn skills such as crosswords or old English bowling called Skittles. (But they don’t like it if you refer to it as a type of bowling)
There are two stories that I’m interested in divulging today, one including a different kind of AA meeting and an X-Rated retired couple who are married, to different people. The AA meeting does not include anyone who sadly suffers from alcoholism, although, someone will mention being an ‘Alcoholic’ almost daily in any given pub. Especially small village ones.
This story starts on a quiet Tuesday night in the pub I had worked in before going to university. There were originally six regulars, sat talking about one old man’s future task of feeding his pet cat when he goes home. Then entered a group of eight people who people had seen in the small village before but were not used to seeing them visit the local pub, and in such numbers. They ordered their drinks and sat around the corner from the main bar, leaving me with the regulars once again.
The conversation returned to the cat and the challenge of its dinner time, while the new customers had started to talk about politics and how the world works. Which is always ideal to have while holding a pint in their hands. Eventually, they turned to addiction, speaking of how it can ruin a life and how its possible to become addicted to almost anything. Listing of the usual: Alcohol, Drugs, Tobacco, and even things such as Television. Then someone said you can be addicted to breathing.
The cat conversation stopped. We all waited for the sarcastic tone to show itself, but it didn’t. Or the laughter from the joke to start, but there was no laughter. There was only the confirming grunts and approving gulps of people who took the comment in no way other than serious. That someone can be addicted to breathing. The one thing we have to do to stay alive. We tried no to be rude, so waited to laugh only once they had left. But once they had all travelled a save distance from the front door at the end of their visit, our hysterics began.
We could do nothing but imagine a scenario where people meet at ‘Airoholics Anonymous’. Groups of people sitting in a school’s assembly hall trying to hold their breath for as long as possible. Gasping out and cursing themselves for allowing themselves to breathe. At least it was a more entertaining conversation to have over a housecat’s eating habits.
The second story is of one couple who were given a label of ’50 Shades of Earl Grey’, even though they drank exclusively coffee. These two retirees would come into the pub, drive into the village for these fortnightly meet-ups. Their visits would last between three and five hours, they would order either two coffees, or one half pint of Carlsberg and a ‘Very weak lime cordial’. Those drinks would be nursed to last all night.
They had their favourite seat, the only sofa in the pub. They were not happy when we replaced it for a pool table. But while we did still have the cushioned seating they would sit with their drinks and chocolate bars they brought in with them. Read the paper and wrap themselves around one another like two snakes trying to strangle the other. The only way to describe the way they acted, would be to ask anyone to remember a time they saw two drunk people who had found the love of their life in a McDonald’s at three in the morning. But wrinkly.
This would go on for three or five hours, even though the man in this couple was married to someone else. They even once went through his and his wife’s holiday pictures before returning to their regularly scheduled ‘activities’. The pub soon began to refer to the couple as 50 Shades of Earl Grey and causing the owner to move the sofa to the corner the AA discussion took place. Made for an uncomfortable evening’s shift when they were opposite the bar.
The Nerdy Bartender 