So, this story happened last night, in fact as I write this I am waiting to make my official statement to the police. Obviously, all names will be changed to whatever I choose when a name becomes relevant.
Thursday nights are usually a quiet one, I have a theory about it being the quietest night in any pub unless events are booked but that can wait until another time to fully explain. A woman comes into the pub, we’ll call her Chloe, she orders three pints for her and the two people outside who were yet to finish their cigarettes. The three pints were poured and the two had decided to stumble into through the door and slur every other word into an unrecognisable dialect known as pissed. I instantly regretted the pouring of the pints. Now in the hope of as it was approaching late evening meant they would decide to leave after the one.
Half an hour into their visit the younger woman, Kate for the sack of this story, went to buy some food from the chip shop across the road. She returned with what I later found out was sausages, chips and curry sauce. Instantaneously started eating it, not even a mere thought that we might say no eating of other food or drink since we ourselves sell food. Which is when she started to get annoyed at me first, I asked her, “Could you put the food away please? You’re not allowed to bring your own food in.”
“Why?” was her only response. And as I began to explain how we don’t allow people to bring food in and eat it on the premises just made her angrier and angrier, with her saying it was “f**king pathetic!” and other swearing anger to that affect. Her mother, Chloe, and the drunk man with them, John (I guess), had agreed to the terms and so went outside the front to eat their food and then return after to finish their drinks.
Another twenty minutes went passed and one of the regulars, Agatha, a lovely retired lady who is a regular, always coming in during the day to have half a cider before returning to her gardening as she “can never walk for too long without getting tired.” Agatha knew Chloe, they instantly went to greet each other and all seemed well, until Chloe wanted to go out into the smoking area to talk to Agatha and her friend more. Kate didn’t like that, at all, telling her mother she wanted to leave and that she was being pathetic for wanting to stay.
Chloe went anyway, John had stayed quiet for most of this, can’t be sure as to whether that was due to fear, alcohol or just plain awkwardness. Kate was complaining to John, Chloe was outside with Agatha and I was serving the three guys who had just walked in. Chloe returned with Agatha in tow and her friend, Chloe wanted to buy her friends a half pint each. I allowed it, Agatha I knew and Chloe herself seemed the most steady on her feet. Then she asked for a “sneaky half” for herself, I allowed this too, again, my issue with serving was for the other two and they still were nursing their drinks.
Now here is when things escalated, Kate got angry at her mother, started yelling and swearing at her for wanting a half but then yelling that she wasn’t the bad guy because she was trying to look after her mother, by screaming the words, “You’re just so f**king pathetic!” at her. Chloe started crying, and I mean 4 year old on the playground crying, couldn’t get the words out of her mouth before another wail released instead. The three guys were clearly uncomfortable, Agatha and her friend look in just complete shock and John was trying to calm Kate down. I didn’t know what to do, customers were screaming and getting upset. Chloe just telling her daughter over and over again to “Just leave.”
I took my moment while Kate had stormed off to the table to aske Chloe if she wanted me to do anything, call down my landlady, ask Kate to leave, the usual barman fallbacks. Get people out or get the small lady who owns the bar. Chloe said that she was okay unless Kate came back and got worse. She did, almost instantly, yelling once again and swearing almost every other word. So, I said to her, “I’m sorry, I’m going to have to ask you to leave.”
To say she didn’t like my intrusion would be an understatement, it was the usual, “Who the f**k do you think you are?” “What right do you have?” etc. I tried to explain how it was more for this discomfort of the other customers but she would interrupt with things like “You want to be the badman? I will kick your head in!” which is always fun to hear. Then she reached across the bar and grab my shirt and V-neck that was underneath and pulled me towards her. I backed away and the top of my V-neck went with her in her hand.
Then John tried to calm her down, which did not help, it just caused her to grab him and push him towards one of the doors. At this point people were asking her why she assaulted me to which she just replied with, “I didn’t f**king assault him, I just pulled him!” because logic exists in the world, apparently. This is when I went to get my boss, Tracey, I went upstairs and saw her, she said how she had seen it on the CCTV and was already on her way down. We both returned to the bar, Kate was still yelling and pacing, Chloe was crying and Agatha was looking worried and a little shaky.
Tracey asked what was going on and why Kate ripped my top, which again was responded with her saying how grabbing my shirt and pulling me wasn’t in fact assault and then to follow it up by punching two of the six windows out of the door. She tried a third but because there was some tape on it, she couldn’t. Tracey called the police and Kate continued to smash stuff in the bar and yell the question, “Why does everyone make me the bad guy?” or “I’m not the bully!”
This next bit is probably the funniest part of this story, as she attempted to throw a very full charity box in my direction. It was funny since when she threw it I’m pretty sure she didn’t realise that it was chain to one of the lager pumps and so it just stopped mid air and fell, hanging from the pump. After the failure of launching the charity box in my direction, she then found something that was lighter and wasn’t attached to a bar so she grabbed an empty pint glass which did hit my shoulder but just bounced off me and landed on the floor unbroken. She then grabbed a second glass and for this one I was already behind a wall with a great view of the glass shattering as it made contact with the wall.
At this point it was clear my mere presence was making her increasingly violent so I so bravely, hid on the stairs and spoke to the police officer on the phone until a car arrived on the scene. While on the phone the sound of more swearing, screaming and smashing came through the door and up towards me on the stairs. By the time I returned to the bar, the police had arrived and put Kate in handcuffs, she was still saying that she didn’t assault anyone as it was just a pull and throwing a glass shouldn’t count. Screaming about how she didn’t know why she was getting in trouble or why she was being made out to be the one in the wrong.
Behind the bar, was a mess, there was a stall that had been thrown over the bar and into the optics, which are the bottles that are held upside down on behind the bar. Three of the bottles were on the floor and alcohol had started to make a river flow down from one end towards the glass washer. It was then when I saw myself in a mirror, my shirt was now three buttons undone and the V-neck had almost disappeared completely causing my chest to be bare. So, the main result of this was to turn me from the average barman into a vogue wannabe.
The Nerdy Bartender 